The Giving of Thanks

Hey kids,

Just posting a quick blurb about life. No walls of text today.

I'm currently at my Aunt Lucy's house for TURRRRKEY! It was amazing. Pumpking pie and ice cream cake soon to come. So yes, life is good.

On the Steve front, he wants to spread his seed - literally. If that happens I think I have to be 100% out of the relationship. I don't think I can deal with that. Sad, but at least I'm starting to come to terms with it.

Going back to Waterloo first thing tomorrow morning and I cannot wait to see my friends again! Ian has been keeping me company via msn and I chatted to him on the phone last night, but I still miss him way too much. I don't know how I'm going to survive over Christmas!

Check ya later.

What A Day.

I'm sitting here right now in the anticipation of what is going to happen shortly. Steve, his parent, and his sister are soon coming here to pick me up and take me home. That is going to be one emotionally charged hour and a bit for me. And earlier today I had to say goodbye to Ian and Kevin. So that makes me sad. And I just said goodbye to a bunch of people on my floor.

It is a sad day.

Speaking of sad, just my Dad is coming to my commencement tonight, my mom is in England right now, for sad reasons and my sister is now on her way to a place called Miner's Bay Lodge to work for the weekend. It's going to be me, my Dad and a big empty house. My first time home in six weeks, and it's not even going to be like home.

My Grandad's funeral was this morning, it's seven thirty pm there now, and I just wish more than anything that I could be there. I really could give a damn about school, or my commencement. I should be there. And I'm not.

It is a sad day.

Announcement To The World

I just swallowed my first pill..ever.

For those of you who know me, you know this is a big step.

Yay!

Steve X

Oh yes.

Yes I did.

I decided to make Steve a CD. It's been just about a year since I first started making them for him, so I figured a celebratory CD was in order. I'm not going to lie some of the songs may be slightly emotionally charged, but what the fuck ever.

The funny part is that I decided to call the CD Steve Mix X. To this point I've been numbering them with Roman Numerals and I'm actually at CD 8, but I thought X was more appropriate. According to him anyhow.

Song List:

This Boy - James Morrison (My New theme for LIFE)
Let My Love Open The Door - Sondre Lerche
Colours - The Rocket Summer
Everything's Changing - Keane
Such Great Heights - The Postal Service
That's What You Get - Paramore
Crushcrushcrush - Paramore
When The Stars Go Blue - Tyler Hilton and Bethany Joy Lenz
Naive - The Kooks
Kill - Jimmy Eat World
Good Vibrations - Gym Class Heroes
Scars - Papa Roach (Another life theme)
High of 75 - Relient K
Ready to Fall - Rise Against
Happy Ending - Mika
Sweet Thursday - Matt Costa
Montreal -40C - Malajube
Black Betty - Lynard Skynard (Oh Betty)
What I've Done - Linkin Park
I miss You - Blink 182
When Your Heart Stops Beating - Plus 44

It's a good cd.

...What. He had been bugging me to make him a new CD before he broke up with me.

Rain, Rain, Rain.

Rain, Rain, Rain.

After my Zoology midterm this evening I decided to catch the bus to my Aunt and Uncle's house to hang out an regain some sanity. Ian was at his three hour night class, so Wednesday nights are always super lame and boring. The Zoology midterm was way harder than I expected, btw, my lab partner was sitting beside me in the exam and like swearing under his breath, it was very hard not to laugh. Anyways...back to the bus. I was feeling very picturesque on my way to the bus stop. I had my umbrella out and my pea coat on and I was listening to some awesome songs on my iPod that make me happy.

I love rain. I find the force of nature so invigorating. And cathartic. And beautiful.

Unfortunately, there will be no more happy rain, or at least until I can convince Steve that I'm worth caring about. I always told him I believed in happy rain, and he always told me that there was no such thing. And I guess now there won't be.
What the hell.
I can have happy rain if I want to have happy rain.
Fuck.
Loving someone is like handing them a hammer that they can use to crush you at will.

Love really isn't fair.

Why should I be all depressed and hurt while Steve gets to go out three nights a week to parties and Fu Bar, rubbing up against random girls.

I don't like having my emotions be dependent on someone else when they are misusing it.
It was all lovely and great when Steve was all yay Maya.
But now, it's just not cool.

Love - Gets you high for a while, but get ready for a serious crash.

Midterms...pssh.

Hey kids,

I just wrote my first two midterms in University. Chemistry and Anthropology. OMG. Cakewalk.

End of post.

Midterm, Midterm, Midterm...Literally.

Yes folks,
It IS true.
I do have three midterms starting in almost exactly 24 hours.
Yes I am pulling my hair out.

How is it fair?
I get dumped by my boyfriend, my grandfather dies, and then I have to write three midterms. Oh midterm gods, you are so mean to me.

I just finished writing the sample chem midterm, and my first time straight through it I got 70%, but when I went back and checked my answers and stopped being an idiot I got them all right, so yay. But what if I'm an idiot on the midterm!?

And that's just CHEMISTRY.

I also have anthropology and zoology. I think I am going to leave anthropology studying for tonight after my lab and do more zoology studying now. Geeeeah!

Help?
I need somebody.
Help?
I'll take anybody.

This Boy

Hello world,
How are you doing today?

I'm feeling oddly uplifted at this moment. How unusual.

I had a dream last night, Steve was there and at first he was the Steve he is now, and kind of standoffish and then I grabbed his hand, and we started dancing, and it was beautiful and I was so happy. This is the point where I woke up, into stark reality, and realized that it was, just a dream. That left me pretty depressed all morning. I lay in bed and just sat there thinking. And I came to a decision.

Fuck.

Screw all this being depressed crap.

I decided I'm not giving up.
I love him.
It's not going away.
Ten months deserves some sort of fight.
Some sort of effort.
And Steve certainly wasn't going to fight, so one of us needs to.
I spilled this all onto Steve today while he was in a lecture.
He was like ....ugh? I can't really talk right now.
And I was like, that's fine, I'm not going anywhere.
And I'm not.

Fuck you Steve.
Ten MONTHS!
And your just going to walk away after a bad week.
Well fuck that.

It occured to me, that I'm unhappy with the current situation. So I'm going to change it. And if I fail, I've got nothing left to lose. I'm here for the duration kids, so stay tuned.

I'm still here
But it hasn't been easy
I'm sure that you had your reasons
I'm scared for this emotion
For years I've been holding it down
For years I've been holding it down

Number One

Hello world,
I write to you today from a very dark place.

This is my first post here, and it feels good to be here. Everyone needs to spill their heart somewhere, and this is where I've chosen to do it. The past year has been the hardest of my life, and the only person who truly knew that, just dropped me like a hot potato.

Honesty.

I began to suffer from something they call generalized anxiety disorder a little over a year ago. I drifted from most of my friends, kind of tuning out of life. I met a guy. We started dating three weeks later, I knew I loved him after a month. He was my first love, and he changed me in ways I will never even know. He helped me immensely in those ten months we were together, he was my rock, I anchored myself to him. I cried on his shoulder and he held me back when all I wanted to do was run and run until I collapsed.

Over the summer I went on anti-anxiety medication after absolutely refusing it for a year. I reached a point where I just wanted it to all go away. Of course, it didn't. But it helped, eventually.

Fast forward to August 31st. I moved into University and my boyfriend came with me. I was really anxious that day, but he was there for me, and he stayed with me until I felt okay enough to sleep that first night. We had a tradition of always talking to each other on the phone before we went to bed, and that got me through my first couple of nights.

At my first floor dinner on the first night, I met a guy, Ian and we clicked instantly. Over the next few days we became best friends, I opened up to him like I had never opened up to anyone before and he understood me. He just got it. It was amazing. While this was happening, I met his friend from highschool, Kevin and their mutual friend Inger. We all became tight quickly, and I still (a month and a half later) am really close with all of them - I don't know how I would have lived through the past month without them. Anyways.

The boyfriend. He had been my world for ten months, and I wasn't planning on changing that anytime soon. He came to me one night, and told me he had danced with another girl at a frosh event and hadn't told her he had a girlfriend. Apparently, she really liked him and he felt really bad about hurting her feelings and he was sitting there, in front of me, crying because he felt bad about hurting her feelings. I was sitting there, trying to hold it all together, and making him feel better. What the fuck. I'm the one who should be crying, my boyfriend decided he'd like to dance with other girls, and I'm the one consoling him? What's wrong with this picture. After that night we drifted, and the easiest relationship in the world, became strained. I asked for a break, because I needed some time to clear my head, and somehow we ended up breaking up, which was not something I wanted. I didn't know how to live without him.

For two weeks after our break up, I somehow continued living mostly normally, I was sleeping in Ian and Kevin's room every night, because I did not want to be alone, but other than that I felt mostly happy. Steve and I were hanging out as friends, and things were okay. One day out of nowhere, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. He was gone.

I fell apart.

I spent countless hours crying all over Ian, and crying myself to sleep. One night at one am I took an hour walk across campus, crying. I tried talking to Steve but he didn't really want to hear it, he was out. End of story.

That hurt and still hurts more than I could possibly describe. After loving me for ten months, we had one bad week and he decides to throw in the towel. He didn't even want to fight for it. I was there, I was ready to fight, to work, to take things slow, to do whatever he wanted. But no, somehow he decided I wasn't worth it. It shattered my world.

I went to classes, I hung out with the guys down the hall, but other than that I was dead. I texted Steve one morning and asked if we could talk. We met up during my anthropology class a few hours later. He was so cold and distant, I tried to talk, but I just didn't know what to say. He seemed to not even care, he asked me what I wanted, and at that point I could do nothing but respond, "Nothing" and walk away in tears. That was last Monday.

On Thursday I was having a really bad day, I was feeling really down about Steve and I had to escape, so I went off campus and went to visit my cousin/best friend Anna who lived about five minutes away from the University. I camped out at her house for a few hours and was starting to feel a little better when my cell phone rang.

It was my mom calling with bad news, my Grandad who lived in England had just passed away. Everything came flooding back and hit me like another ton of bricks. I am struggling to keep it together, but I just want all this pain to go away. I want the happy days Steve and I had together to come back, I miss the person I was two months ago.

My grandad taught me how to play pool. He was a very tall and very loud man. He told the best stories. He lived a long and full life, but it's still not fair that he's gone. It's not fair to my Grandma, my mom, my aunt and uncles and their kids. I want more than anything to be able to fly to England with my mom for the funeral, but it would cost $3000 dollars and I have three midterms this upcoming week. My mom is going to be away for thanksgiving and miss my commencement. I don't even want to go to my commencement, Steve will be there with his whole family, my best friend whose decided to hate me will be there, and my mom won't be. Everything is just wrong.

When I think of Steve as my ex, it just seems wrong. The world has stopped making sense.

Somedays, I have good days, I don't get too depressed or anxious, I don't feel the need to cry. But those days have been few and far between.

I know it will get better over time, I'll stop wanting Steve back, and I'll stop missing my Grandad so much. But I don't want to stop wanting Steve back, he was the best thing that had ever happened to me, how am I supposed to move on from something like that?

I feel like I'm just running and running, trying not to be consumed by everything. But I'm not going anywhere.